It has hardly been a year since Maria Shriver filed for divorce against Arnold Schwarzenegger following the discovery of his affair with the family maid and a resulting secret love child. But Arnie is convinced he can win his “fantastic” wife back.
It may sound crazy, even to the estranged wife with whom he has four children after a 25 year marriage, but while it comes with many challenges reuniting after divorce is probably not as uncommon as we think.
While it’s an area that is yet to be closely studied, Relationship’s Australia counsellor Mary-Jo Morgan says that couples can successfully revive relationships after a divorce, but stresses the need for professional guidance.
“I think it’s considered a lot more than we realised, but it’s one of those things that people don’t talk about,” she says.
For couples considering repairing their relationships, Ms Morgan recommends counselling, and working through the issues that led to their divorce before taking steps towards getting that relationship back on track.
She says that after a period of time, the biggest temptation for divorced couples will be remembering the attraction they initially had to their former partner, and a desire to reclaim that.
Couples that rush into a relationship for the second time may find themselves lured in by the “honeymoon phase”.
“There’s always going to be that rush of endorphins and sometimes rational and logical thought goes out the window in place of those intense emotions,” Ms Morgan says.
But for couples that have been together for a long time in the past, the desire to repair a relationship goes beyond chasing that warm and fuzzy “butterflies” feeling.
“What you have with your ex is a history and some important shared memories about a time in your life that was special, and the fact that you made that speaks to the level of intensity and commitment in that relationship,” Ms Morgan says.
“I advocate caution around that. Those feelings are real, but you need to spend time together, and I would advocate that couples considering reuniting after divorce get counselling.”
Even if Arnie gets his way and the divorced couple decide to rekindle their relationship, there are obviously going to be issues.
The main need for that counselling, as relationship experts advise, is to work through the reasons for the divorce.
“The main struggle is going to be the reason they split up in the first place,” she says.
“Whatever the reason is, the likelihood of it raising its head is very strong, and if that hasn’t been dealt with it will be a real hurdle.”
And couples will also face the issue of managing other people’s relationships, as friends and family tend to take sides when a couple splits.
But not all cases of post-divorce relationship revivals are doomed to fail. Some divorces are worth reconsidering, or could have been avoided.
In the case of couples that do decide to revisit the marriages that failed them, there will no doubt be struggles, but Ms Morgan says, with support from fellow counsellors, a successful relationship is not entirely off the cards.
“It that’s the path [the couple] want to take, we do grow and change and often years have gone by, and there could be real and strong reasons for getting together. If you can work through the initial issues, there’s a chance,” she says.
“It’s not the easiest of paths to take, but it doesn’t mean it’s one that can’t work out.”
