When Joan Rivers’ talked, people listened.
The feisty comedian, who passed away at the age of 81, was beloved by many for her sharp wit and her no-nonsense approach to comedy.
Despite her often controversial remarks the Brooklyn-born comic once said that her provocative edge was the key to her lengthy career.
“I succeed by saying what everyone else was thinking.”
Rivers, who died of complications of throat surgery, leaves behind a legacy of hilarious musings to remember her by.
Here are some of the comedy queen’s most famous one-liners.
Joan Rivers on her career: “I succeed by saying what everyone else was thinking.”
On weight: “I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'”
On family: “Grandchildren can be so f-cking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”
On ageing: “I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.”
On housework: “Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?”
On safe sex: “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
On getting older: “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”
On her face: “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
On British badboy, Russell Brand: “Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children’s books. First up: ‘Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'”
On fitness: “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
On not taking yourself too seriously: “Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”
“With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.”
On her quest for love: “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
On multi-tasking: “My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”
On her own funeral in her 2012 book I hate Everyone… Starting With Me: “When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name,) I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene; I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on. I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonely.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce.”
On life: “I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. Things are happening.” RIP Joan Rivers.
